I love co-opting \u201cmoving to a new city\u201d into \u201creinventing myself.\u201d The ideal Nicole in Detroit is a new person. I make my bed. I promptly text back. I believe in God. Except, rudely enough, it turns out that moving to a new city to escape your problems just means that you have those same problems, just in Detroit, but now you\u2019re also down a mattress that will not return from war.<\/p>\n I flew into Detroit on Friday. I should\u2019ve moved in August, when I started my job, but, you know, the pandemic complicates moving to a new city. My apartmate and I ended up arriving here at the perfect time, right when the weather gets miserable and I freeze my Texan ass off.<\/p>\n I\u2019d been talking to the leasing consultant, AKA God of the Apartment Complex, for a week beforehand, to the point where I considering adding her to speed dial. My mattress was going to be delivered by Amazon the day of my move in, and I wanted to make sure there was a place for it.<\/p>\n God of the Complex:<\/strong> We don\u2019t have a place for it.<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>:<\/p>\n GC<\/strong>:<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: So\u2026 where do packages normally go?<\/p>\n GC<\/strong>: If it\u2019s too large or heavy, you have to be there to sign for it or we will send it back.<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: But what if it arrives before our lease signing appointment?<\/p>\n GC: <\/strong>How about this, we\u2019ll play it by ear. I\u2019ll tell security not to send yours back.<\/p>\n Me: <\/strong>Okay. Are there any dollies?<\/p>\n GC: <\/strong>No.<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: Really, an apartment complex doesn\u2019t have a single<\/em> dolly I could use?<\/p>\n Me, actually<\/strong>: Oh okay.<\/p>\n Days later, during our lease signing appointment, Apartmate and I sat across from GC, as she started going through our novel of a lease, page by page. Awakened from my stupor by the mention of package delivery restrictions, I blinked.<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: Packages can only be delivered during business hours?<\/p>\n GC<\/strong>: Weekdays.<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: Okay. So\u2014<\/p>\n GC<\/strong>: Saturday hours are 10-4 and we don\u2019t accept packages on Sundays.<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: But I don\u2019t\u2026 control when my packages are delivered.<\/p>\n GC<\/strong>: They try again the next day.<\/p>\n And what if they delivered it at the same time? Would we just be caught in an infinite loop? I felt like I was in a simulation.<\/p>\n GC<\/strong>: If the package is too large, you will need to book the freight elevator to transport it up.<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: But how will you know when to book the elevator if you don\u2019t know when it\u2019ll be delivered?<\/p>\n I supposed it didn\u2019t matter. We were already trapped. GC left the conference room to get us our keys and we sat, waiting.<\/p>\n As I was thinking about the two required emergency contacts\u2014I only had my mom\u2019s address and thus was considering leaving my estate to Kate McKinnon, Schrodinger\u2019s mattress and all\u2014I received an email notification from Amazon. \u201cDelivery attempted with your Amazon package.\u201d<\/p>\n I burst out of the conference room to tell GC. After she inquired with the front desk, she asked me if I could get them to come back.<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: Like, call\u2026 Amazon<\/em>?<\/p>\n GC<\/strong>: Yes, just tell them to come back.<\/p>\n I Googled their customer service number, feeling bad for whoever picked up.<\/p>\n Unlucky Soul<\/strong>: This is about your order of the mattress?<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: Yeah.<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: Uh\u2026 can you\u2026 come back?<\/p>\n My apartmate snorted. GC started feeding me talking points, like she was worried I would give the apartment a bad name\u2026 to AMAZON. I mean, they\u2019re our corporate overlords, so if anything, I feel like they would\u2019ve been proud.<\/p>\n GC asked for my phone and talked for a bit, to no avail. The package would be redelivered the next day, and thankfully I\u2019m a paranoid person because I\u2019d brought a sleeping bag.<\/p>\n The next day, I stayed home, waiting for the mattress, until I was told it wouldn\u2019t arrive until Monday. This worried me because sleeping on the floor was already building too much character for an NPC. I feared for the fabric of the space-time-continuum, but at least it was good for my back.<\/p>\n On Monday afternoon, I got the call and rushed downstairs. The truck was parked outside of the gate.<\/p>\n Deliveryman<\/strong>: Nuclear power plants are easier to get into than this building.<\/p>\n Deliveryman 2<\/strong>: We hate this place.<\/p>\n Me<\/strong>: This place hates us all.<\/p>\n But I was in a good mood. At last, my mattress was out of package purgatory. I could now focus on my moving to a new city. I could resume devolving into a human incapable of surviving a day in the wild.<\/p>\n I could retire \u201cnot having a mattress\u201d as my go-to conversation starter and defining characteristic, to what I imagine must be great relief to my poor apartmate, who did not sign up to hear me constantly talk about a nonexistent mattress. He signed up for even more annoying subjects like my forthcoming bedframe. He doesn\u2019t know it yet, but he\u2019s accepting thoughts and prayers.<\/p>\n![\"when](\"https:\/\/nicolesundays.wordpress.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/c3542-110820-mattress-01.jpg?w=1024&h=576\")
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