The first comedian I ever really listened to was Mitch Hedberg. His jokes felt so simple at first, and then I\u2019d sit there like, wait, how did he even think of that? Meanwhile, I\u2019m over here jealous he thought of a joke about a club sandwich.<\/p>\n
Going back through these is kind of humbling. Some hit instantly, some take a second, and a few make you realize you\u2019ve never actually had an original thought in your life. Either way, this is the stuff that made me want to try comedy. The fact that these jokes are still this funny decades later says everything about how good he was.<\/p>\n
1.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
2.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that sh*t\u2019s under control.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
3.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an \u2018Escalator Temporarily Out of Order\u2019 sign. Only an \u2018Escalator Temporarily Stairs\u2026 Sorry for the Convenience.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
4. \u201cOne time a guy handed me a picture, he said \u2018Here\u2019s a picture of me when I was younger.\u2019 Every picture of you is when you were younger.\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-1.jpg\")
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n5.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI don\u2019t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
6.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said \u2018No\u2026 but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
7.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
8.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI like refried beans. That\u2019s why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they\u2019re just as good and weren\u2019t wasting time.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
9. \u201cMy belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f\u2019s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-2.jpg\")
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n10.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cYou know, I\u2019m sick of following my dreams, man. I\u2019m just gonna ask where they\u2019re going and hook up with \u2019em later.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
11.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI got a king size bed. I don\u2019t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
12.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI don\u2019t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks sh*t.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
13.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI order the club sandwich all the time. And I\u2019m not even a member, man. I don\u2019t know how I get away with it.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
14. \u201cI find that a duck\u2019s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-3.jpg\")
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n15.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI had one anchovy. That\u2019s why I didn\u2019t have two anchovies.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
16.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses\u2026 or two dumpsters.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
17.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said \u2018F*** that, I\u2019ll just make a copy.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
18.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that\u2026 day.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
19. \u201cIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus\u2026 or a really cool opotamus?\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-4.jpg\")
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n20.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that\u2019s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen\u2019s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain\u2019t funny.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
21.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It\u2019s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
22.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cMr. Pibb is the replica of Dr. Pepper. But it\u2019s the bullsh*t replica because dude didn\u2019t even get his degree!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
23.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cDr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he\u2019s a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn\u2019t take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That f-er wasted lots of time at school. \u2018Cause I would have bought that sh*t from a Mr. Scholl.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
24. \u201cThis one commercial said \u2018Forget everything you know about slipcovers,\u2019 so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn\u2019t know what the f*** they were.\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-5.jpg\")
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n25.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cThis is what my friend said to me, he said \u2018I think the weather\u2019s trippy.\u2019 And I said \u2018No, man. It\u2019s not the weather that\u2019s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.\u2019 Then I thought, \u2018Man, I should have just said\u2026 \u2018Yeah.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
26.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cMy apartment is infested with koala bars. It\u2019s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don\u2019t want \u2019em to. I\u2019m like, \u2018Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
27.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cYou know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it\u2019s busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say \u2018Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two.\u2019 And if no one answers, they\u2019ll say their name again. \u2018Dufrane, party of two.\u2019 But then if no one answers they\u2019ll just go right on to the next name. \u2018Bush, party of three.\u2019 Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone\u2019s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they\u2019re hungry \u2013 that\u2019s a double whammy. We need help. \u2018Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
28. \u201cI want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I\u2019m gonna put pins into all the locations I\u2019ve traveled to, but first I\u2019m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won\u2019t fall down.\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-6.jpeg\")
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n29.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cIn England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It\u2019s a lot like a bear, but it\u2019s a frog. I think that\u2019s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought \u201cMan, I\u2019d better play dead. Here comes that frog.\u2019 I would never say \u2018Here comes that frog\u2019 in a horrifying manner. It\u2019s always, like, optimistic. Like, \u2018Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he\u2019s used to.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
30.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
\n
<\n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The first comedian I ever really listened to was Mitch Hedberg. His jokes felt so simple at first, and then I\u2019d sit there like, wait, how did he even think of that? Meanwhile, I\u2019m over here jealous he thought of…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":316,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-315","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=315"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/316"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=315"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=315"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=315"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\u201cI used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
2.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that sh*t\u2019s under control.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
3.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an \u2018Escalator Temporarily Out of Order\u2019 sign. Only an \u2018Escalator Temporarily Stairs\u2026 Sorry for the Convenience.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
4. \u201cOne time a guy handed me a picture, he said \u2018Here\u2019s a picture of me when I was younger.\u2019 Every picture of you is when you were younger.\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n5.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI don\u2019t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
6.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said \u2018No\u2026 but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
7.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
8.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI like refried beans. That\u2019s why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they\u2019re just as good and weren\u2019t wasting time.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
9. \u201cMy belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f\u2019s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n10.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cYou know, I\u2019m sick of following my dreams, man. I\u2019m just gonna ask where they\u2019re going and hook up with \u2019em later.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
11.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI got a king size bed. I don\u2019t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
12.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI don\u2019t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks sh*t.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
13.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI order the club sandwich all the time. And I\u2019m not even a member, man. I don\u2019t know how I get away with it.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
14. \u201cI find that a duck\u2019s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n15.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI had one anchovy. That\u2019s why I didn\u2019t have two anchovies.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
16.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses\u2026 or two dumpsters.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
17.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said \u2018F*** that, I\u2019ll just make a copy.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
18.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that\u2026 day.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
19. \u201cIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus\u2026 or a really cool opotamus?\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n20.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that\u2019s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen\u2019s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain\u2019t funny.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
21.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It\u2019s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
22.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cMr. Pibb is the replica of Dr. Pepper. But it\u2019s the bullsh*t replica because dude didn\u2019t even get his degree!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
23.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cDr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he\u2019s a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn\u2019t take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That f-er wasted lots of time at school. \u2018Cause I would have bought that sh*t from a Mr. Scholl.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
24. \u201cThis one commercial said \u2018Forget everything you know about slipcovers,\u2019 so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn\u2019t know what the f*** they were.\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n25.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cThis is what my friend said to me, he said \u2018I think the weather\u2019s trippy.\u2019 And I said \u2018No, man. It\u2019s not the weather that\u2019s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.\u2019 Then I thought, \u2018Man, I should have just said\u2026 \u2018Yeah.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
26.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cMy apartment is infested with koala bars. It\u2019s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don\u2019t want \u2019em to. I\u2019m like, \u2018Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
27.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cYou know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it\u2019s busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say \u2018Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two.\u2019 And if no one answers, they\u2019ll say their name again. \u2018Dufrane, party of two.\u2019 But then if no one answers they\u2019ll just go right on to the next name. \u2018Bush, party of three.\u2019 Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone\u2019s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they\u2019re hungry \u2013 that\u2019s a double whammy. We need help. \u2018Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
28. \u201cI want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I\u2019m gonna put pins into all the locations I\u2019ve traveled to, but first I\u2019m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won\u2019t fall down.\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n29.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cIn England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It\u2019s a lot like a bear, but it\u2019s a frog. I think that\u2019s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought \u201cMan, I\u2019d better play dead. Here comes that frog.\u2019 I would never say \u2018Here comes that frog\u2019 in a horrifying manner. It\u2019s always, like, optimistic. Like, \u2018Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he\u2019s used to.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
30.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
\n
<\n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The first comedian I ever really listened to was Mitch Hedberg. His jokes felt so simple at first, and then I\u2019d sit there like, wait, how did he even think of that? Meanwhile, I\u2019m over here jealous he thought of…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":316,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-315","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=315"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/316"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=315"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=315"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=315"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\u201cI got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that sh*t\u2019s under control.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
3.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an \u2018Escalator Temporarily Out of Order\u2019 sign. Only an \u2018Escalator Temporarily Stairs\u2026 Sorry for the Convenience.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
4. \u201cOne time a guy handed me a picture, he said \u2018Here\u2019s a picture of me when I was younger.\u2019 Every picture of you is when you were younger.\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n5.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI don\u2019t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
6.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said \u2018No\u2026 but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
7.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
8.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI like refried beans. That\u2019s why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they\u2019re just as good and weren\u2019t wasting time.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
9. \u201cMy belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f\u2019s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n10.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cYou know, I\u2019m sick of following my dreams, man. I\u2019m just gonna ask where they\u2019re going and hook up with \u2019em later.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
11.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI got a king size bed. I don\u2019t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
12.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI don\u2019t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks sh*t.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
13.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI order the club sandwich all the time. And I\u2019m not even a member, man. I don\u2019t know how I get away with it.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
14. \u201cI find that a duck\u2019s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n15.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI had one anchovy. That\u2019s why I didn\u2019t have two anchovies.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
16.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses\u2026 or two dumpsters.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
17.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said \u2018F*** that, I\u2019ll just make a copy.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
18.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that\u2026 day.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
19. \u201cIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus\u2026 or a really cool opotamus?\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n20.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that\u2019s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen\u2019s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain\u2019t funny.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
21.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It\u2019s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
22.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cMr. Pibb is the replica of Dr. Pepper. But it\u2019s the bullsh*t replica because dude didn\u2019t even get his degree!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
23.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cDr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he\u2019s a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn\u2019t take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That f-er wasted lots of time at school. \u2018Cause I would have bought that sh*t from a Mr. Scholl.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
24. \u201cThis one commercial said \u2018Forget everything you know about slipcovers,\u2019 so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn\u2019t know what the f*** they were.\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n25.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cThis is what my friend said to me, he said \u2018I think the weather\u2019s trippy.\u2019 And I said \u2018No, man. It\u2019s not the weather that\u2019s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.\u2019 Then I thought, \u2018Man, I should have just said\u2026 \u2018Yeah.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
26.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cMy apartment is infested with koala bars. It\u2019s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don\u2019t want \u2019em to. I\u2019m like, \u2018Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
27.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cYou know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it\u2019s busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say \u2018Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two.\u2019 And if no one answers, they\u2019ll say their name again. \u2018Dufrane, party of two.\u2019 But then if no one answers they\u2019ll just go right on to the next name. \u2018Bush, party of three.\u2019 Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone\u2019s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they\u2019re hungry \u2013 that\u2019s a double whammy. We need help. \u2018Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
28. \u201cI want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I\u2019m gonna put pins into all the locations I\u2019ve traveled to, but first I\u2019m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won\u2019t fall down.\u201d<\/h2>\n
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n29.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cIn England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It\u2019s a lot like a bear, but it\u2019s a frog. I think that\u2019s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought \u201cMan, I\u2019d better play dead. Here comes that frog.\u2019 I would never say \u2018Here comes that frog\u2019 in a horrifying manner. It\u2019s always, like, optimistic. Like, \u2018Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he\u2019s used to.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
30.<\/h2>\n\n\u201cI have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
\n
<\n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The first comedian I ever really listened to was Mitch Hedberg. His jokes felt so simple at first, and then I\u2019d sit there like, wait, how did he even think of that? Meanwhile, I\u2019m over here jealous he thought of…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":316,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-315","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=315"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/316"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=315"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=315"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=315"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\u201cI like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an \u2018Escalator Temporarily Out of Order\u2019 sign. Only an \u2018Escalator Temporarily Stairs\u2026 Sorry for the Convenience.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
4. \u201cOne time a guy handed me a picture, he said \u2018Here\u2019s a picture of me when I was younger.\u2019 Every picture of you is when you were younger.\u201d<\/h2>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said \u2018No\u2026 but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI like refried beans. That\u2019s why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they\u2019re just as good and weren\u2019t wasting time.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cYou know, I\u2019m sick of following my dreams, man. I\u2019m just gonna ask where they\u2019re going and hook up with \u2019em later.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI got a king size bed. I don\u2019t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI don\u2019t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks sh*t.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI order the club sandwich all the time. And I\u2019m not even a member, man. I don\u2019t know how I get away with it.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI had one anchovy. That\u2019s why I didn\u2019t have two anchovies.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses\u2026 or two dumpsters.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said \u2018F*** that, I\u2019ll just make a copy.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that\u2026 day.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that\u2019s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen\u2019s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain\u2019t funny.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It\u2019s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cMr. Pibb is the replica of Dr. Pepper. But it\u2019s the bullsh*t replica because dude didn\u2019t even get his degree!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cDr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he\u2019s a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn\u2019t take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That f-er wasted lots of time at school. \u2018Cause I would have bought that sh*t from a Mr. Scholl.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cThis is what my friend said to me, he said \u2018I think the weather\u2019s trippy.\u2019 And I said \u2018No, man. It\u2019s not the weather that\u2019s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.\u2019 Then I thought, \u2018Man, I should have just said\u2026 \u2018Yeah.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cMy apartment is infested with koala bars. It\u2019s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don\u2019t want \u2019em to. I\u2019m like, \u2018Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cYou know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it\u2019s busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say \u2018Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two.\u2019 And if no one answers, they\u2019ll say their name again. \u2018Dufrane, party of two.\u2019 But then if no one answers they\u2019ll just go right on to the next name. \u2018Bush, party of three.\u2019 Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone\u2019s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they\u2019re hungry \u2013 that\u2019s a double whammy. We need help. \u2018Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cIn England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It\u2019s a lot like a bear, but it\u2019s a frog. I think that\u2019s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought \u201cMan, I\u2019d better play dead. Here comes that frog.\u2019 I would never say \u2018Here comes that frog\u2019 in a horrifying manner. It\u2019s always, like, optimistic. Like, \u2018Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he\u2019s used to.’\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cI have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n The first comedian I ever really listened to was Mitch Hedberg. His jokes felt so simple at first, and then I\u2019d sit there like, wait, how did he even think of that? Meanwhile, I\u2019m over here jealous he thought of…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":316,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-315","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=315"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/316"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=315"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=315"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brightamericanewsstore.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=315"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-1.jpg.webp)
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n5.<\/h2>\n
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6.<\/h2>\n
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7.<\/h2>\n
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8.<\/h2>\n
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9. \u201cMy belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f\u2019s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-2.jpg.webp)
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n10.<\/h2>\n
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11.<\/h2>\n
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12.<\/h2>\n
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13.<\/h2>\n
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14. \u201cI find that a duck\u2019s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-3.jpg.webp)
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n15.<\/h2>\n
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16.<\/h2>\n
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17.<\/h2>\n
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18.<\/h2>\n
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19. \u201cIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus\u2026 or a really cool opotamus?\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-4.jpg.webp)
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n20.<\/h2>\n
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21.<\/h2>\n
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22.<\/h2>\n
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23.<\/h2>\n
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24. \u201cThis one commercial said \u2018Forget everything you know about slipcovers,\u2019 so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn\u2019t know what the f*** they were.\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-5.jpg.webp)
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n25.<\/h2>\n
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26.<\/h2>\n
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27.<\/h2>\n
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28. \u201cI want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I\u2019m gonna put pins into all the locations I\u2019ve traveled to, but first I\u2019m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won\u2019t fall down.\u201d<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/pleated-jeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/funniest-mitch-hedberg-jokes-4-14-26-6.jpeg.webp)
<\/source><\/picture><\/p>\n29.<\/h2>\n
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30.<\/h2>\n
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<\n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"