May 26th is World Dracula Day—sink your teeth into these bloody good jokes that’ll leave you howling with laughter (just not under a full moon)!
I work in a factory that makes Dracula figurines.
However, there are only 2 employees so I have to make every second count.
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I heard Dracula has started selling NSFW content…
He’s started an OnlyFangs.
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Why was Dracula a bad CEO?
He was always avoiding the stakeholders.
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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire amongst them.
The strongest one started 1st,
“watch this,” He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. “what happened?” they asked. “did you see that house over there?” “yes?” “well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!” “wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire”
Then the eldest one takes the next turn “watch and learn,” he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. “what happened??” they asked. “did you see that village over there?” “ye..yes?” “well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!” “wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!”
Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, “don’t blink or you’ll miss it” he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. “wh..what happened???” they asked. “did you see that big ass tree over there?” “ye..yes?!” “well.. I didn’t”
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2 vampires are sitting at a bar when the bartender asks the first “what’ll be?”
To which the vampire replies “ahh, make it a bloody Mary, and double up on the Mary.”
The bartender then turns and asks the second vampire, “What I can do for you?”
The second vampire replies, “I’ll just have a cup of hot water”
Both the bartender and the first vampire look at him quizzically, “why do you want hot water?”
He then pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, “oh! I making tea.”
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month!
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My phlebotomist told me a Dracula joke, to calm me down…
I asked if she knew any other jokes in the same vein.
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I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!”
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Dracula was on one of those DIY TV programmes recently.
His castle was getting a revamp.
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I had to end my friendship with Dracula.
He was a pain in the neck.
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Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Why makes this Joke funny?
Make every second count
A pun: “every second count” normally means valuing time, but here it also refers to being one of only two workers—literally making every second Count Dracula figurine.
OnlyFangs
A wordplay on OnlyFans, the adult content platform, but with fangs, fitting Dracula’s vampire theme.
Avoiding the stakeholders
In business, “stakeholders” are people involved in or affected by a company, but for vampires, a stake through the heart is deadly—Dracula avoids stake-holders.
Did you see that big ass tree? I didn’t.
A setup of bragging vampires ends in a physical comedy twist: he flew so fast he hit a tree—bloody nose included.
Making tea with a tampon
Gross-out humor: he’s using the tampon as a teabag, fitting the vampire thirst-for-blood theme.
See you next month
Menstrual humor: vampires and blood, with a monthly cycle reference.
Same vein
Pun: “in the same vein” is an idiom meaning similar topic, but here it’s funny because vampires and phlebotomists both deal with veins.
COUNT vs. Manchester United shirt
Wordplay: “Count” Dracula vs. being given a football jersey of a player from Man U (mistaking “count” for “C*nt”—UK slang joke subtly implied).
Castle getting a revamp
Pun: “revamp” as in renovation, but also literally about a vampire getting a re-vamp (another bite or transformation).
Pain in the neck
Classic idiom, but extra funny for Dracula because he bites necks—the phrase becomes literal.
Unless you Count Dracula
Wordplay: “vampires aren’t real… unless you count Dracula” — clever pun on the word Count as both a title and a verb.
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